Fat Girl

Almost my whole life I have hid my body. When I couldn’t, I insulted myself, I let people make jokes and I would laugh because it was “just a joke”. The worst thing I did was cut my wrists because people blamed me for my weight gain over the years. They told me “if you tried you could lose the weight”. They were wrong. Did people think I sulked without trying to fix myself? 

I was either the friend that was surrounded by all the pretty girls never getting any attention from people who would greet them. I was the friend people assumed that they hung around me to be nice. As if my weight is the deciding factor of connection. There had been times where I starved myself. When I didn’t do that, I worked on the best way to possibly kill myself. Nothing worked. I was in pain. I was in pain and no one noticed.

I am 25 now. Nothing has changed. I think I hate myself even more than I did as a kid. Only difference is I don’t have an out anymore. I made a promise to stop self harming, so living with this has been much harder on me than before. On top of that I got diagnosed with diabetes which hurt me even more. Not only am i dealing with the pain of this but now its medical and i have to figure out how to fix myself.

Fix myself. Right. I wish I could feel like there was nothing to fix. I wish I could throw up all this weight. I wish I could get it removed and it be easy to keep off. Everyone tells me “you’re not fat, you're beautiful.” So does that mean as long as I am the fat girl, I could never be pretty??

Lets be honest. No matter how much I work at it. No matter how much weight I lose.. I’ll always be a fat girl.