The Little Things

The little things matter and that is very important to remember. 

My whole life, I had someone looking down on me. Considering that fact, I began to do the same. Giving up is easier than fighting for yourself. I realize that now, but I didn't before when I truly needed to. I remember the times where I was beaten down verbally on the way I walk because of a condition I have. I remember not fighting for myself but instead wanting to apologize for something I couldn't control. I remember not that long ago when I was sitting in the doctors office and let the doctor tell me I was fat over and over again until I cried. I am not talking about him giving me advice. I am talking about him shaming me completely. It was unethical and unprofessional. Yet again, I did not stand up for myself. I cried and left as soon as my appointment was over. 

I have been down that road many times where I tried to end my life. I mean completely erasing myself from this world. What a mistake that was, but I wish I knew before I tried. I dealt with my Grandpa telling me that there is no place in heaven for people who commit suicide. I dealt with the guilt and I dealt with people telling me that it was my choice. They aren't wrong but, they aren't right either. It was my choice but me being unable to process my emotions turned that "choice" into the only solution I could find. I wish I had fought for myself the way I am doing today. I wish I had the courage to love myself. I wish I had the wisdom that could've told me that all of these insults had nothing to do with me at all. I wish I knew that it was okay to be me. 

The little things matter. The 10 pounds I lost, matters. The putting that blade down, matters. The choosing to be me, matters. The speaking for myself, matters. The waking up depressed but still getting out of bed, matters. The little things count and in my own opinion and experience, matters more. I think when you make that choice to count the little things, you start appreciating life a little more. You start understanding that their was never anything wrong with you. Society isn't even that bad. You will always have the good people and you will have the uneducated people. Don't bring yourself down to the same level as those that are still learning what it means to be a decent human being. You are worthy of your own love.